Compulsive Tendencies

The past couple of weeks I have been noticing something that people have pointed out to me several times but I have chosen to ignore.......I have a little compulsive problem. I don't just need, I HAVE to clean my house, and I mean SPOTLESS, DEEP clean my house, EVERYDAY!! I know it's insane right. I wear myself out cleaning everyday, but even when it is clean, I still feel like it is dirty. Josh always tells me that I clean the house when it isn't dirty, so I can't say I do more around the house, because there isn't really anything that needs done. Everyday when I watch Zac I will say, "Ok bud, you watch your movie for a little while, and I'm going to clean my house," and he ALWAYS says "Why are you cleaning your house again, it's already clean." I don't really know why, I just always feel like I have to clean, and if I don't spend hours cleaning in a day I feel like I am a failure, and a bad wife. Even though I understand it is crazy, I CAN'T STOP!!! AHHH!!

Another thing I obsess over is being the PERFECT wife. Now I know that no one is perfect, but I feel like I have to be. No one makes me feel that way, except MYSELF. In fact, my AMAZING hubby never stops telling me how perfect he thinks I am (I know, I know, he is GREAT!!) If in a day I don't finish a task, I feel awful. If I don't notice that Josh's pants need patched, or that he needs clean garments, or that we are out of dog food or milk, etc. I beat myself up about it. I feel as though I am a failure and that there is no way Josh should even want to be with me. I have always been this way, before I got married I felt like I had to be the PERFECT daughter, sister, granddaughter, student, young woman......you get the picture. I always felt like if I wasn't perfect, I was letting people down. Sometimes I feel like I stress so much about these little things that I forget to just sit back and enjoy life a little bit. I know I have accomplished great things, and that I still do and will still accomplish many more great things. That is one of my goals, to play with my little brother more, to sit in the back yard with my dog (while it's still nice) and to take time to breath and enjoy the little things. I am sure I will ALWAYS have my compulsive tendencies (I think I was born with them) but I want to try to tone them out a bit, even if for just a few minutes through out my day, and enjoy the blessings my loving Father in Heaven has given me. I want to be able to just sit back and relax with the man I love, rather than run through a complete list of things I still need to get done in my head while trying to carry on a conversation about my day. I know these things are important, but I am starting to realize that there are other things that need to be a part of my day as well.

I think that is part of growing up, realizing your compulsive tendencies, and setting goals. This has been my "adult" revelation of the week, and I sure hope I don't get too many more because I'm not sure how I'll fit them in between the groceries, and the bills, and the house cleaning, etc.... (it's payday week, definitely a good week to start breathing :])